If you say “I’m Sorry” one more time I’m going to scream!

I am all for minding your Ps & Qs and being mannerly. Unfortunatley there are people, who in their attempt to be polite, irritate and alienate those around them. I have this friend who makes life incredibly awkward by apologizing for everything. At a party he once gave me a friendly hug. I didn’t think anything of the hug. We are friends and it was a very casual and perfectly acceptable gesture. Sadly the next day my friend wrote me a facebook message apologizing for the hug. “I'm sorry if my side-hug at all made you uncomfortable. It was probably not appropriate.” Now I feel awkward about the infamous side hug. Should I have felt violated? Is my bubble really that big?

This wonderful memory came to my mind because I recently received a very unnecessary apology from one of my guy friends. Don’t get me wrong - everyone should absolutely apologize when there is a reason. However, people with an overactive guilt complex and low self esteem need to be careful with apologies.

I think it is fair to say that we are all looking for a man who is capable of saying he is sorry. But come on, I don’t want a guy who apologizes when he isn’t even in trouble. Let me get mad, be a little pouty and maybe even give you the silent treatment before you apologize. Once you realize I’m mad it is very appropriate to grovel, write love poetry and bring me flowers.

Does he love me for my shoes?

I just want all of you to know that I have finally found love. I just chatted with a guy online for over 10 minutes about the type of shoes I wear. LOL! One of my friends recently told me that I have to keep dating online just for the good stories. Take one for the team, she said. Okay, team... if you want to live vicarious awkward online dating drama I am willing to sacrifice for you.

In case you are wondering... I usually wear shoes with heels. I only wear the kill yourself stilettos to church and on special occasions. My favorite pair of shoes are a deep red pointy toed stiletto. They are to die for! So, what do you think? Should I keep chatting with the online guy with a shoe fetish? Or should I cut my losses and realize that one person in love with shoes is enough for one relationship? On the other hand, if I married him I would never have to feel guilty about buying shoes.

Shameful, truly shameful

Tonight I was watching CNN and all of the sudden a very unexpected commercial came on the air. You may already know about this dating service. I admit that I have been out of the news these days and this commercial was quite a shock to me. At first I thought the commercial was a joke. There is a dating service called AshleyMadison.com that advocates adultery and provides a forum for married people to hook up and have a “discrete” affair. The commercial I saw tonight was banned from the Super Bowl... but now seems to be okay in between CNN’s programing. WOW! Don’t worry. If you don’t manage to have an affair in the first 3 months the site will refund you the $249 fee.

I guess being a single person looking for true love doesn’t seem so bad after all. Never again will I complain about normal online dating.

So, does this mean I have to stop blogging?

"It sounds like a cliche, but your Mr. Right can't fall in love with you if you're sitting at home alone in your pjs and fuzzy slippers cuddling up to a pint of Ben & Jerry's. The story of Rapunzel is called a fairy tale for a reason. It's completely unrealistic. Your man isn't going to fight dragons, swim through shark-infested waters and climb through thorny bushes to bust you out of your living room. While you may always be a princess to your mom and dad, you can't expect any guy to think of you that way when other women are so much easier to reach. The first step to finding your perfect counterpart is to get out of the house. Embrace quantity - success may boil down to math, not magic. Old sayings stand the test of time because they are true. You can't get a hit if you're not swinging, you can't get a bite if you don't have your hook in the water and you can't get wet if you don't get in the water. Even thought I don't know you personally, one thing I'm sure of is that "the one" isn't going to come knocking on your door or materialize on your couch. Love isn't the pizza man; it doesn't deliver."

(Dr. Phil McGraw, Love Smart, pg 162).

So, does this mean that in order to find my true love I have to stop spending time thinking about blog posts? Dr. Phil says that finding love isn't about magic it's about math. I always hated math! You know, I think I would have paid more attention in high school if I knew slacking off in algebra would doom me to a life of dating drama. Bah!

Dr. Phil has truly inspired me! I think that it is high time someone franchised a love connection pizza delivery business. We will hire young, single, and extremely good looking pizza drivers. You can get a pizza and a two minute speed date. Don't worry no creepy 45 year old pizza drivers who live in their mom's basement and lack personal hygiene will not be allowed. What do you think? Who's up for pizza this Friday?

Spinsties of the World Unite!

One of my fellow Divas suggested that I share a fantastic satire blog called “Seriously So Blessed”. If this blog doesn’t make you laugh… well, you are crazy! Check out TAMN's most recent posts:

"To My Searching Sisterz
My sweet darling old maid friend Yvette is down in the dumps because honestly, she has the saddest slash most boring life ever. She hasn't TOLD me that but I can sirmise it from her condition of singleness, and other people's frowns make ME frown, which is a bummer AND a wrinkle-inducer not to mention basically the opposite of my favorite hymn. Just can't take it any more! INTERVENTION!!! Here is some advice from ME, which not to be calky but I = a bit of an expert in this arena…"

Read the real thing: To My Searching Sisterz


"Mo-Matchelor!!!
Guys!! I know you seriously thought bc of preggo brain I forgot about the Mo-Matchelor but I didn't, I was just busy squeezing out the two darlingest twins in America! Anyways I got sooooo many swoonariffic entries it was IMPOSSIBLE to pick just one, so I went with TWO, but trust me I could of picked like thirty!
Spinsties and overbearing mothers of spinsties, listen up!"

Read the real thing: Mo-Matchelor

Enjoy!

Quote of the night...

"We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (pg 277)

Discovery Channel "Out of Your League?"

On Saturday night I was watching a program on the Discovery Channel called the Science of Sex Appeal. Okay, I already know that it’s pathetic to be watching the Discovery Channel on a Saturday night. Give me a break… I can’t go on a bad date every Saturday ;) This clip is a brief portion of a longer section called Out of Your League? It is interesting to see how nature can be mimicked in a laboratory setting.

I guess we are all left to guess what our number is and hope we can attract the highest possible number in return. Happy Hunting!

A Tragedy Dressed in Gray

It’s finally happened. I knew that this day was coming but I have long been slumbering in a false sense of security. This weekend I found a gray hair. A GRAY HAIR!!!!! Not only did I find a gray hair, but I found a gray hair strategically placed just above my sassy bangs, in the most noticeable place possible. As you can understand I am very distraught about this most recent discovery. My Mom started going gray when she was 18 years old. I never full believed her story but I lived in fear that the dreaded wiry gray hair was lurking in my DNA. For years now I thought I had gotten off easy with my Dad’s genes. I was so cocky. I even went so far as to pity other prematurely gray women.

I like to keep my hair dark so from time to time I dye my hair... purely for aesthetics and not out of necessity. One of my coworkers once asked me if I died my hair to cover the gray or just because I liked the color. Let us pause for a moment to appreciate the tact and sensitivity of my male coworker... men are truly delightful creatures, aren’t they? I proudly said that I was lucky and that I had no gray hair to cover. WABAM! The forces of the universe conspired to teach me a lesson and bring me into the proper state of humility. Looks like I got Mom’s genes after all. Thankfully I have only managed to find one gray hair. Unfortunately, like a termite one gray hair is the sign of hundreds more lurking unseen just waiting to cause massive destruction.

All those in favor of having this cartoon put on a t-shirt say, Aye!

Online Dating Cartoons

Worst-Case Scenario: "It's Not You, It's Me"

The "It's Not You, It's Me" Letter
Version 2.0

Dear [their name],

By now, you must realize that I am gone, and that I am not coming back.

Don't feel responsible-it's not you, it's me. My [busy career / expensive drug habit / intense racquetball schedule / fascination with on-line pornography] prevents me from committing to a serious relationship.

Besides, you deserve better. You deserve someone who appreciates all of your most special qualities, especially the cute way you [leave your toenail clippings on the couch / sing along when you don't know the lyrics / feign naivete when I suggest you do laundry / scarf down two pints of Ben & Jerry's while watching Ally McBeal reruns].

Even though we're no longer together, we'll always have our memories. I'll never forget the time you [asked me to pull your finger / made me lie about my religion to your parents / brought home a bucket of KFC on my birthday]!

They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon you will be able to [love again / like again / speak my name without sobbing / speak coherently to another person of the opposite gender]. When this time comes, I hope that we will be [ good friends / fake phony superficial friends / in different states / as far apart as humanly possible].

Love Always, / Love, / Warm regards, / Fondly, / Adios,
[Your Name]

You can find this little gem at: http://www.worstcasescenarios.com/pdf/itsmeletter.pdf

Tales of a Kindred Diva... Online Dating for the Homeless

Tonight I was talking about online dating with one of my favorite Divas. We both confessed that we had tried our hand at online dating. My friend then went on to reveal one of the most terrifying online dating stories I have ever heard. Her first online date was homeless. Yeah, you might want to read that sentence one more time because I really did say that her date was homeless.

So this homeless guy meets my friend at her place for their first date. ( Big Mistake: Don’t ever give your address to someone you meet online. Meet them in public and make sure at least one person knows where you are meeting.) Now that I’m off of my soap box, back to the story... So this guy comes over to my friends place for their first dating. Oh I’m sure he seemed nice and charming online but she quickly realized that this guy wasn’t exactly Mr. Right. I have no idea how the confession finally came out but at some point in the evening he told her he was homeless. Not only was he homeless but he had been homeless for the past 10 years. WOW! For a 30 year old man, 10 years is a long time to be homeless.

Don’t judge! The homeless need love too!! Hey, if this homeless guy is enterprising enough to go to the library, signup for an online dating site, find a girl and convince her to meet him I would say he is well on his way out of the gutter and on to his new girlfriends couch.

Yikes! Talk about dating drama.