Twilight Parody

This is a must watch!

Joke of the day

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

Blind Date Etiquette

I recently signed on to be the Salt Lake City Dating Advice Examiner for Examiner.com. I know, I know, the idea of me giving dating advice is kind of comical.

Check out my first article and let me know what you think. If all goes well I will write one or two articles a week.
Blind date etiquette article

Thank You Love Notes

I’m currently taking a professional interviewing class. The professor is terrifying! It’s possible that more than one student went home and cried after our first day of class. Imagine one of the most intense people you know and then multiple by 10 and you will have my professor.

On the second day of class we were talking about sending a thank you note after a job interview. One of my classmates thought that thank you notes were old fashioned and that if anything was necessary a thank you email would suffice. The professor and the rest of the class tried to convince our classmate that everyone liked thank you notes. My classmate wouldn’t buy it; he was convinced that thank you cards and mail in general had gone the way of the dinosaur.

Dumbfounded, the professor asked “Haven’t you ever sent a thank you note to a girl?” The professor then went on to reveal one of the most romantic things I have ever heard. Every Thanksgiving this terrifying man writes his wife a thank you note. He doesn’t just buy a Hallmark Card and call it good. Oh no! This man, who strikes fear into the hearts of dozens of students, buys the largest jumbo card he can find and then writes in tiny print all of the things he is thankful for about his wife. He fills the card with around 200 things. He has been doing this for years now. The best part of all of this is that he doesn’t reuse anything from one year to the next. A true romantic would never recycle thank yous! My professor keeps a list all year long so that he can write a very specific and loving thank you card.

Is this the cutest thing you have ever heard or what?!?! All I can say is where, do I sign up for thank you card writing husband?

Let’s be friends!

I have decided that the world of Facebook is in need of a little more dating drama. I have newly created a Facebook account dedicated to my life in the dating world. So, let’s be Facebook friends!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/profile.php?id=100000416102714&v=wall&ref=profile

Let me know if you have a psychological problem.

A coworker sent me this link. Check it out! After you listen to this message you will never again give out your number. http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the-reason-some-girls-stay-single-very-funny

Sometimes you have to kiss a frog or two.

I have found an alternative for those of us who have not found Prince Charming… Grow your own! I recently returned from visiting a friend in Seattle. Like every good tourist I visit the Space Needle and shopped in ever gift shop I passed. In one gift shop I found the post amazing gadget of all time. “Magic frog to prince – just add water.” SCORE! I shelled out my cash and brought my frog prince home. Here is our journey together:

Step 1: Buy the frog (Don't let the cashier make you feel stupid. People are purchasing these all over the world.)



Step 2: Kiss, kiss, kiss the frog. (I would suggest limiting this particular step to one kiss. Your coworkers might get the wrong idea about you after the second or third kiss.)


Step 3: Watch the frog transform before your eyes.


Step 4: Enjoy your Happily Ever After with your Prince.

WARNING - Do NOT attempt to take your Prince home to meet your parents. They will send you on a vacation to a white padded room...

Kindred Diva Texting Drama

Dear Diva,
 
Here is the text exchange I told you about. Talk about a texting knight in shining armor!
 

BOB 1:15 PM): [Sally], this is [Bob]. I watched Jaws w you. [Betty] was nice enough to give me ur number! Any plans this weekend starting w tonight?
 
BOB 8:55 PM: hey [betty], [wally] and i are going to hale theater fri. night, want to come?

At this point I called [Betty] to find out what the deal was and she said that [Bob] had texted her the same thing, and she had agreed.

ME: Is this a date invite or just friends getting together? 'Cause [Ed] is dying to see Singing in the Rain at the Orem Hale. I can't come, I'm going out of town, but I appreciate the invite!
 
BOB: I want it to be a date. But it just might turn into a friends thing since your headed out! We dont know too many girls here. Where you headed?
 
ME: Just out of curiosity, if I were going, who would be going with whom? I talked to [Betty] a bit ago and she said you'd texted her too, so I'm just wondering! If you want it to be a date, you could ask [Betty] if she would like to invite a girlfriend. [Ed] can see it some other time.
 
BOB: Ha ha... I love it! Im going w [betty], you'd be with [wally]... The prettier one of us bros...at least the smarter. Im arranging it cause wyatt works over time and k

 
(In case the reader is missing something here.... So if I had been able to go and I hadn't asked, my friend [Betty] and I would both have thought we had a date with Bob that night. Nice.)
 

ME: Well that's great. By the way, you didn't ask for my advice but if you want it to be a date i might try calling. Texting is so confusing to girls when it's something like this. [Betty] really wants to see Singing in the Rain there and you can't go wrong with the Hale, so you should have a great time!
 
BOB: ... how about a date next week?
 
ME: With your brother? If he called me i'd consider it.
 
BOB: No with me...if he wants a date w you he'll have to call you on his own...a date w me, or will you want me to call you next week to find out?
 

(I will tell you now that at no point was I terribly interested in either this fellow or his brother, particularly after the exchange above, so I decided to forfeit a future evening of free entertainment (yes, not that big of a favor, I know) to give it to him straight--with absolutely charitable hopes that he would learn work on his approach in the future, when it would be more important.)

ME: Honestly? Probably not. Next weekend is one of the only weekends I'll be in town in the next month. And i don't mean to sound prissy, but being asked out via text is kind of a turn off.
 
BOB: lol. No prob. Whatever idiosyncracies make you comfortable...i appreciate knowing.

(Note the improper word usage and total disregard to my well-intentioned suggestions that he call rather than text a girl for a date.)
 
Bob's Mis-Steps:
1) Texting a girl for a date, particularly a first date. Also, he could have asked for my number in person, but I won't consider that a technical foul.
2) Asking 2 girls out and not clarifying that 1 invitation was for his brother.
3) Asking a girl out for his brother.
4) Asking the night before.
5) Asking out 2 friends for consecutive weekends. Flattering? No. Attractive? Not terribly.
6) Not accepting the useful, direct advice for what it was. Totally clueless.
 
Love,
Would Rather Sit at Home

So you’re saying there’s a chance?!?!

Divas there is hope! This weekend I went to a wedding. Try not to feel sorry for me... I had a pretty good time.

What is that you say? Did I catch the bouquet? YES!! Okay, I know it is a silly antiquated tradition. The last thing a single gal needs at a wedding is to be forced to stand with other pathetically single women and fight over the honor of catching yet another bundle of flowers. This little game is really fun when you are 18. The trill. The excitement. Yeah, yeah, yeah... when you are 18 you still believe in Santa Clause and Prince Charming and happily ever after. But as the years tick on fighting for that wedding bouquet seems less and less appealing. As you stand waiting for the glowing bride to toss all of her cares and throw the bouquet you can feel millions of judging eyes. “She is such a sweet girl. I just don’t understand why she isn’t married.”

All of your fears kick in. You don’t want to look pathetic, after all you are happily single and you don’t need any stupid big wedding or happily ever after. So you shrink away from the bouquet and let one of those obnoxiously optimistic 18 year olds rip the flowers out of the air.

I don’t know what happened this weekend. There I was standing in the back of the pack ready to let the 18 year olds go crazy. Then all of the sudden my friend threw the bouquet and it came sailing up and over all of those expectant 18 year old hands. And there I was - in the back - in the perfect position to catch that silly bunch of flowers. So what did I do? You had better believe I jumped in the air and caught those flowers... silly and antiquated as they maybe. I confess it! You caught me! I absolutely love that I caught the bouquet.

All I have to say about this weekends catch is... It Is About Time!!!!

Do not pass go! Do not collect $200!

Is it possible to send someone to dating jail? We all know about the fashion police but is there such a thing for dating? Tonight I would like to press charges against more than one social misfit and dating deviant.


Criminal Offenses.
*Do not invite yourself to an event just because you saw it on Facebook. Social media does not give you a free pass to be rude.

*Do not reveal your Facebook stalking activities in casual conversation.

*Do not continue to text, call, and IM someone who has broken up with you. This is pathetic and sad.

*Do not use your own emotional baggage to manipulate other people.

WARNING: If you commit any of these offenses you will be sent straight to jail with no hope of parole.

Facebook = Depression

Okay, I confess that I was looking at Facebook at work.  I needed a 5 minute mental break from what I was doing all day.  One of my friends took a stupid Facebook quiz called “What Age Will You Get Married?”  I thought taking this quiz would be good for a laugh... so I went ahead and allowed this devilish little application into my life. This very scientific quiz consists of 6 questions:

1. How many times have you been in love?
2. Marriage is...
3. Where do you want your honeymoon?
4. Love is...
5. Your best quality is?
6. What feature do you notice first in your the opposite sex? (Please note that this typo is not mine - it is the quiz’s typo.)

I don’t know how a 6 question quiz with a typo could have such a negative impact on my mood. What age will I get married you ask? The powers of the universe and the magic of Facebook combined to let me know that I will be married at 37. The BIG 37. WOW! Even Facebook thinks that there is little or no hope for my love life. The quiz results informed me that “You haven't given up on the notion of true love and the wait is definitely worth it in the end.”

Buyers beware! The results of this quiz may damage your hopes and dreams. I cannot confirm or deny that I took the quiz more than once to see if I could lower my marriageable age. The result? The quiz is stupid and it is impossible to change your answers. I have decided that the creator of the quiz should add a new feature. If you try and take the quiz more than once you will receive the following message: "All of your worst fears are true. You will never marry. Stop taking this quiz. Log out of Facebook and immediately schedule an appointment with your councilor."

Stupid Facebook!

Could I go to jail for this?

Don’t you just love this street sign? Isn’t there a part of you that wants to put on black clothes and sneak out at 3am and steal this sign?!?! I'm usually able to suppress criminal urges but in this case my inner deviant is just dying to come out and play. Okay, don’t freak out - I didn’t steal the sign. The sign has been hung way too high for it to be casually stolen. Judging from the sign’s current height I am guessing that I am not the first person with klepto thoughts. I’d have to plan a major covert operation to steal such a prize. I guess I will have to settle for the picture I took on my way home from work. Hypothetically speaking, if any of you know someone who might be willing to steal the sign in question... please send me their info, ASAP!

Kindred Diva Tales: I love my cat but I don't want to date him!

One of my favorite kindred Diva’s recently sent me a paper she wrote for a communications class. She interviewed several dating victims for her paper and I couldn’t resist sharing this little gem.

An anonymous dating victim was unfortunate enough to attend a dance with a guy who was more cat than man.

"All of the sudden my date started purring and meowing. I kid you not. He’d go ‘Meow!’ and I’d look at him without reacting trying to pretend that he wasn’t a complete nutzo."

In addition to purring, meowing and trying to rub up next to her like a cat, the victim's date also took a piece of paper and shredded it with his… claws… while making hissing noises. YIKES! In case you were wondering, Prince Charming's cat name is Norbert. Multiple personalities are bad enough without one personality being a cat!

Just when I start to think I have dating drama I hear stories like this. Keep these crazy kindred diva tales coming!!!

Does this baggage come in another color?

We all have problems - I get it. I’m not afraid to admit that I have issues. For heaven’s sake I have a whole blog dedicated to my dating issues. As much as I like to rant about life to my friends, my coworkers, and even on my blog, there comes a time when you have to practice a little strategic marketing. Dating is about putting your best foot forward. Once the object of your affection has fallen for you at your best, you can slowly start introducing your baggage. We all have baggage so there is no point in trying to deny it exists. The real question is can you put up with the other person’s baggage.

I have been going out with this guy for the past week or so. He is very open about sharing his life and his views. Sharing is nice and all but there is a very fine line between being open and TMI. Tonight we went dancing and while we were taking a breather outside he told me that he has anxiety, takes medication, and sees a councilor. After he revealed this information I didn’t really say anything. Then he said, “I just told you I have anxiety and you still like me?” Ummm? Wow. What was I supposed to say? I think you are so sensitive and wonderful for sharing? Did you bring your paper bag incase you have a panic attack? We have only known each other a few weeks! I personally don’t think you start pulling out that kind of baggage a few weeks into a relationship. Is there anything wrong with seeing a councilor or having anxiety? No, but I guess it really depends on the person and how they handle their issues and on the relationship as a whole. The problem with tonight's revelation is that I don’t know him well enough or have enough information to make an informed decision about his baggage.

Do I have serious baggage? Yes, yes, yes! I have serious baggage. Is it appropriate for me to share it in the first few weeks of dating? NO! Sharing your past, personal struggles, and serious issues is like flying. In the airport they check your baggage to make sure that it will fit in the airplane’s overhead compartment. If the baggage is too big then it must be checked and stowed safely away. In the beginning of a relationship any large, heavy, and unsightly baggage should be stowed until you arrive at your destination of a committed relationship. I’m not saying you should hide important information about yourself, but don’t try and fit a 75 lb suitcase in the overhead compartment. Wait until the plane lands and you pick up your luggage from baggage claim. Then you can slowly start unpacking your suitcase one issue at a time.

First kisses and near misses

This week I have been reflecting on the grand event that is a first kiss. I don’t know about you, but my first kiss was very awkward. I was fourteen and I had finally managed to date the heartthrob of my childhood. In my mind Ben and I were perfect for each other. One day he was over at my house watching the classic Pauly Shore movie, Bio-Dome. Talk about romance. Ben and I were cuddling on the couch when all of the sudden he reached around so I was trapped between him and the couch. I guess he was tired of waiting for the right moment. As I was completely trapped I had no option but to let him smooch me. I was a little gun shy about the whole kissing business. After the kiss was over my only thought was - GROSS! I did not have a magical Hollywood inspired first kiss. Needless to say Ben and I were not perfect for each other and our little romance lasted about as long as Pauly Shore’s popularity.

What about you, my fellow Divas? It’s time to dish the dirt on your first kiss.

Dear Diva, where on earth have you been?

Hi friends! Despite what you may have thought I have not abandoned my dating blog or the world of dating drama. I am still dating. There is still drama. And there are still many stories to come.

I have been dating someone but you will have to wait a little while for my latest stories. What can I say? In the past few weeks I have tried following the famous Maxine’s advice. My attempts at getting a life will soon appear on this blog for your reading entertainment.

If you say “I’m Sorry” one more time I’m going to scream!

I am all for minding your Ps & Qs and being mannerly. Unfortunatley there are people, who in their attempt to be polite, irritate and alienate those around them. I have this friend who makes life incredibly awkward by apologizing for everything. At a party he once gave me a friendly hug. I didn’t think anything of the hug. We are friends and it was a very casual and perfectly acceptable gesture. Sadly the next day my friend wrote me a facebook message apologizing for the hug. “I'm sorry if my side-hug at all made you uncomfortable. It was probably not appropriate.” Now I feel awkward about the infamous side hug. Should I have felt violated? Is my bubble really that big?

This wonderful memory came to my mind because I recently received a very unnecessary apology from one of my guy friends. Don’t get me wrong - everyone should absolutely apologize when there is a reason. However, people with an overactive guilt complex and low self esteem need to be careful with apologies.

I think it is fair to say that we are all looking for a man who is capable of saying he is sorry. But come on, I don’t want a guy who apologizes when he isn’t even in trouble. Let me get mad, be a little pouty and maybe even give you the silent treatment before you apologize. Once you realize I’m mad it is very appropriate to grovel, write love poetry and bring me flowers.

Does he love me for my shoes?

I just want all of you to know that I have finally found love. I just chatted with a guy online for over 10 minutes about the type of shoes I wear. LOL! One of my friends recently told me that I have to keep dating online just for the good stories. Take one for the team, she said. Okay, team... if you want to live vicarious awkward online dating drama I am willing to sacrifice for you.

In case you are wondering... I usually wear shoes with heels. I only wear the kill yourself stilettos to church and on special occasions. My favorite pair of shoes are a deep red pointy toed stiletto. They are to die for! So, what do you think? Should I keep chatting with the online guy with a shoe fetish? Or should I cut my losses and realize that one person in love with shoes is enough for one relationship? On the other hand, if I married him I would never have to feel guilty about buying shoes.

Shameful, truly shameful

Tonight I was watching CNN and all of the sudden a very unexpected commercial came on the air. You may already know about this dating service. I admit that I have been out of the news these days and this commercial was quite a shock to me. At first I thought the commercial was a joke. There is a dating service called AshleyMadison.com that advocates adultery and provides a forum for married people to hook up and have a “discrete” affair. The commercial I saw tonight was banned from the Super Bowl... but now seems to be okay in between CNN’s programing. WOW! Don’t worry. If you don’t manage to have an affair in the first 3 months the site will refund you the $249 fee.

I guess being a single person looking for true love doesn’t seem so bad after all. Never again will I complain about normal online dating.

So, does this mean I have to stop blogging?

"It sounds like a cliche, but your Mr. Right can't fall in love with you if you're sitting at home alone in your pjs and fuzzy slippers cuddling up to a pint of Ben & Jerry's. The story of Rapunzel is called a fairy tale for a reason. It's completely unrealistic. Your man isn't going to fight dragons, swim through shark-infested waters and climb through thorny bushes to bust you out of your living room. While you may always be a princess to your mom and dad, you can't expect any guy to think of you that way when other women are so much easier to reach. The first step to finding your perfect counterpart is to get out of the house. Embrace quantity - success may boil down to math, not magic. Old sayings stand the test of time because they are true. You can't get a hit if you're not swinging, you can't get a bite if you don't have your hook in the water and you can't get wet if you don't get in the water. Even thought I don't know you personally, one thing I'm sure of is that "the one" isn't going to come knocking on your door or materialize on your couch. Love isn't the pizza man; it doesn't deliver."

(Dr. Phil McGraw, Love Smart, pg 162).

So, does this mean that in order to find my true love I have to stop spending time thinking about blog posts? Dr. Phil says that finding love isn't about magic it's about math. I always hated math! You know, I think I would have paid more attention in high school if I knew slacking off in algebra would doom me to a life of dating drama. Bah!

Dr. Phil has truly inspired me! I think that it is high time someone franchised a love connection pizza delivery business. We will hire young, single, and extremely good looking pizza drivers. You can get a pizza and a two minute speed date. Don't worry no creepy 45 year old pizza drivers who live in their mom's basement and lack personal hygiene will not be allowed. What do you think? Who's up for pizza this Friday?

Spinsties of the World Unite!

One of my fellow Divas suggested that I share a fantastic satire blog called “Seriously So Blessed”. If this blog doesn’t make you laugh… well, you are crazy! Check out TAMN's most recent posts:

"To My Searching Sisterz
My sweet darling old maid friend Yvette is down in the dumps because honestly, she has the saddest slash most boring life ever. She hasn't TOLD me that but I can sirmise it from her condition of singleness, and other people's frowns make ME frown, which is a bummer AND a wrinkle-inducer not to mention basically the opposite of my favorite hymn. Just can't take it any more! INTERVENTION!!! Here is some advice from ME, which not to be calky but I = a bit of an expert in this arena…"

Read the real thing: To My Searching Sisterz


"Mo-Matchelor!!!
Guys!! I know you seriously thought bc of preggo brain I forgot about the Mo-Matchelor but I didn't, I was just busy squeezing out the two darlingest twins in America! Anyways I got sooooo many swoonariffic entries it was IMPOSSIBLE to pick just one, so I went with TWO, but trust me I could of picked like thirty!
Spinsties and overbearing mothers of spinsties, listen up!"

Read the real thing: Mo-Matchelor

Enjoy!

Quote of the night...

"We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (pg 277)

Discovery Channel "Out of Your League?"

On Saturday night I was watching a program on the Discovery Channel called the Science of Sex Appeal. Okay, I already know that it’s pathetic to be watching the Discovery Channel on a Saturday night. Give me a break… I can’t go on a bad date every Saturday ;) This clip is a brief portion of a longer section called Out of Your League? It is interesting to see how nature can be mimicked in a laboratory setting.

I guess we are all left to guess what our number is and hope we can attract the highest possible number in return. Happy Hunting!

A Tragedy Dressed in Gray

It’s finally happened. I knew that this day was coming but I have long been slumbering in a false sense of security. This weekend I found a gray hair. A GRAY HAIR!!!!! Not only did I find a gray hair, but I found a gray hair strategically placed just above my sassy bangs, in the most noticeable place possible. As you can understand I am very distraught about this most recent discovery. My Mom started going gray when she was 18 years old. I never full believed her story but I lived in fear that the dreaded wiry gray hair was lurking in my DNA. For years now I thought I had gotten off easy with my Dad’s genes. I was so cocky. I even went so far as to pity other prematurely gray women.

I like to keep my hair dark so from time to time I dye my hair... purely for aesthetics and not out of necessity. One of my coworkers once asked me if I died my hair to cover the gray or just because I liked the color. Let us pause for a moment to appreciate the tact and sensitivity of my male coworker... men are truly delightful creatures, aren’t they? I proudly said that I was lucky and that I had no gray hair to cover. WABAM! The forces of the universe conspired to teach me a lesson and bring me into the proper state of humility. Looks like I got Mom’s genes after all. Thankfully I have only managed to find one gray hair. Unfortunately, like a termite one gray hair is the sign of hundreds more lurking unseen just waiting to cause massive destruction.

All those in favor of having this cartoon put on a t-shirt say, Aye!

Online Dating Cartoons

Worst-Case Scenario: "It's Not You, It's Me"

The "It's Not You, It's Me" Letter
Version 2.0

Dear [their name],

By now, you must realize that I am gone, and that I am not coming back.

Don't feel responsible-it's not you, it's me. My [busy career / expensive drug habit / intense racquetball schedule / fascination with on-line pornography] prevents me from committing to a serious relationship.

Besides, you deserve better. You deserve someone who appreciates all of your most special qualities, especially the cute way you [leave your toenail clippings on the couch / sing along when you don't know the lyrics / feign naivete when I suggest you do laundry / scarf down two pints of Ben & Jerry's while watching Ally McBeal reruns].

Even though we're no longer together, we'll always have our memories. I'll never forget the time you [asked me to pull your finger / made me lie about my religion to your parents / brought home a bucket of KFC on my birthday]!

They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon you will be able to [love again / like again / speak my name without sobbing / speak coherently to another person of the opposite gender]. When this time comes, I hope that we will be [ good friends / fake phony superficial friends / in different states / as far apart as humanly possible].

Love Always, / Love, / Warm regards, / Fondly, / Adios,
[Your Name]

You can find this little gem at: http://www.worstcasescenarios.com/pdf/itsmeletter.pdf

Tales of a Kindred Diva... Online Dating for the Homeless

Tonight I was talking about online dating with one of my favorite Divas. We both confessed that we had tried our hand at online dating. My friend then went on to reveal one of the most terrifying online dating stories I have ever heard. Her first online date was homeless. Yeah, you might want to read that sentence one more time because I really did say that her date was homeless.

So this homeless guy meets my friend at her place for their first date. ( Big Mistake: Don’t ever give your address to someone you meet online. Meet them in public and make sure at least one person knows where you are meeting.) Now that I’m off of my soap box, back to the story... So this guy comes over to my friends place for their first dating. Oh I’m sure he seemed nice and charming online but she quickly realized that this guy wasn’t exactly Mr. Right. I have no idea how the confession finally came out but at some point in the evening he told her he was homeless. Not only was he homeless but he had been homeless for the past 10 years. WOW! For a 30 year old man, 10 years is a long time to be homeless.

Don’t judge! The homeless need love too!! Hey, if this homeless guy is enterprising enough to go to the library, signup for an online dating site, find a girl and convince her to meet him I would say he is well on his way out of the gutter and on to his new girlfriends couch.

Yikes! Talk about dating drama.

Pickup Line Pick-Me-Ups

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?

Hey, I lost my phone number...can I have yours?

If you were a burger at McDonald’s, I’d call you McBeautiful.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Do you have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I skinned my knee when I fell for you.

Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Are you tired? Because you have been running through my mind all day.

Where you arrested before? Because I believe it is a felony to look that good.

Do you know CPR? Because I can’t breath around you.

To bad you're not history, because I would study you all day long.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Online in 09

A few weeks ago I overheard two girls talking about online dating. One of the girls said that maybe this was her year to go “Online in 09”. Pause for the appropriate amount of shock, horror, outrage, pity, and/or fear. “Yeah right,” she continued “I don’t know how desperate I would have to be to date online.”

Call it desperation, call it curiosity, or call it expanding your finding pool. One way or another I confess that I have joined the underworld of online dating. I don’t take online dating very seriously but it is fun to have a little attention from the male species. With online dating you must take the good, the bad, and the ugly all in one package.

The Bad:
“My account ends Monday so I would like to go on a date with someone before I close my account I’m still debating on whether to keep trying this. Im being blunt but Im ready to have a good time and get to know you so if you would like to go on a date with me e mail at... Things don’t go well oh well, one night gone in your life but who knows we might just hit it off.”

Hmm, while this is one of the most persuasive sales pitches I have ever heard I think I will pass. As it turns out, one night of my life is a big deal.

The Ugly:
“hi im david and Im new at this i was going threw the search and seen you and wow you are prity send me a message if you want to.”

The profile picture that corresponds with this messages is exactly what you are imagining. Divorced 37 year old man with three kids looking for love. I'm not expecting a rocket scientist but a girl has got to have some standards. Don’t worry I only went out with him once and our make-out session was very g-rated.

The Very, Very, Ugly:
Before you read the next few lines I want you imagine this guy's profile picture. Picture a very good looking dark haired man staring into the camera longingly. He is wearing a red button up shirt which is conveniently unbuttoned showing a tan and rather hairy chest. You are swooning aren’t you?

First message:
"i am the man that you are waiting for :)"

No response from me.

Second Message:
“i like to get to know you...interested?"

No response from me.

Third message:
“i really have alot to share with you..could you give chance to get to know you?”

Finally I send the poor guy a thanks but no thanks message and he responds:

“ :( but , u didn't here me..u just decided without even talk to me? could u tell me why? why u always turn me down :( can we talk?”

No! No! No! NO!!! We can not talk, you are not the man I have been waiting for, and I don’t care if you have a lot to share with me you psycho online stalker. What can I say? Online dating is not for the faint of heart.

How to Determine If Your Date is an Axe Murderer

Everyone’s favorite time of the week has arrived: Friday Night Date Night! Before you head out on the town take a minute or two to read this lifesaving advice. Thank you Worst-Case Scenarios Online. www.worstcasescenarios.com

1. Watch for the following:
* A Caucasian male in his twenties or thirties
* Obsession with fire or matches
* Cruelty to animals
* History of bed-wetting
* Sexually abused as a child
* Middle-class background combined with loner behavior
* Difficulty maintaining relationships

An individual who exhibits more than three of these traits may be dangerous.

2. Trust your intuition. Your instinct is a powerful weapon. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

3. Check him out officially. Obtain his social security number and investigate him. Call the Federal Prison Locator Service (202-307-3126) to determine if he was ever incarcerated. Many online companies can aid in financial reports or tracking down previous addresses. You may also want to enlist the services of a private detective.

4. If you discover grounds for suspicion, break off the relationship immediately. Be clear and definitive about your decision. Return all of his belongings and gifts. Do not make promises to keep in touch. Be straightforward and kind, and talk only about yourself and why the relationship no longer works for you. Do not blame him. Try not to make him angry.

5. Take steps to maintain your safety.
* Carry a cell phone.
* Install a home security system.
* Change your phone numbers.
* Stay near populated, well-lit areas.
* Apprise a friend or relative of your concerns.
* Document any strange or unusual happenings.
* Take a personal safety/self-defense class.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous: Jen & John Split

Jennifer Aniston breaks up with John Mayer over his Twitter addiction. Talk about dating drama! America’s sweetheart has become the poster child for millions of women replaced by technology. If Jennifer Aniston can’t compete with Twitter, who can? Maybe we should start a new support group: “Twitter your way into his heart.” Oddly enough, I have a sudden desire to signup for Twitter and become John Mayer’s devotee.

Why are dating self-help books always hot pink?

Don’t give me that look! You know you read them too. I know that you secretly yearn to buy that hot pink bible of dating commandments! Alright, fine, I will help you avoid the humiliation of handing the cute guy at Barnes & Noble such a shameful book. I am willing to sacrifice myself... I will buy, read, and review these books. Society has branded dating bibles with a leprous stigma. I plan to breakdown that stigma one review at a time. If there is a book you have been dying to read let me know and I will check it out before you have to humiliate yourself in front of the Barnes & Noble hottie.

My first review will be Mars and Venus on a Date, by Dr. John Gray. Don't blow a gasket I will post the review very soon.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me No Match!

When you get past a certain age your family members begin to panic.  Now that I am the BIG 25 my sweet Grandmother has decided to take matters into her own hands and she has appointed herself as my over zealous matchmaker.  Who can blame her, she is just looking out for her own interests and her interests revolve completely and totally around great-grandchildren. 
 
Like any good business woman, my Grandmother looks for dating leads everywhere she goes.  The other day she over heard two strangers talking.  Stranger A told stranger B that she wished her son would get out and date more.  Hearing of another disabled dater my Grandmother approached the strangers.  “I have a single granddaughter.  We should get the two of them together!”  He’s single I’m single… naturally we are perfect for each other.
 
I have nothing against blind dates and I am usually willing to give a blind date a try, but come on!  The only thing my Grandmother knows about this guy is that he is breathing, male, single, and that his mother thinks he is great.  What kind of a grandmother is willing to sacrifice her oldest grandchild based on the recommendation of a complete stranger? 

Grandma, after a few emails with her new matchmaking cohort, is fully prepared to guilt trip me into this freak show of a blind date.  “What do you have to loose?” she asks.  What do I have to loose?  What do I have to loose!?!?! Right, maybe I’m being too dramatic... after all how many serial killers met their victims on a blind date?
 
Like the lemming that I am I send blind date boy an email.    Blind date boy is 29, he still lives at home and he admits that he is on the "12 years to an Associate Degree" program.  (His words, not mine.)  On our second round of emails blind date boy lets me know that I should follow my dreams and go back to graduate school.  After all, he wants a successful wife who has been educated to the best of her abilities.  Besides what if one day the wife has to support the family?  Okay, hot stuff, let’s backup to your 12 years to an Associate Degree program.  Maybe I’m confused and then again maybe I need to go back to school to understand the definition of a hypocrite.   

Thanks Grandma! You sure know how to pick’em.

P.s. If you would like to correspond with my blind date wonder boy I’ll be more than happy to shoot you his email. But I'm warning you now that you might want to shoot yourself after an email or two.

P.s.s. If you would like to hire my Grandmother as your own matchmaker, I am willing to lease her out for a month or two.

You might be on a bad date if...

1. Your date walks around all night long with one of his shoelaces untied.
   
2. Your date has to shovel armfuls of junk to make room for you in the car.
3. Your date forces you to get a to-go box for your leftovers.
4. Your date is so lost that you end up in another city before you realize and then have to break it to him that he is going in the wrong direction.
5. Your date is wearing tighter jeans than you are and he has to have his "man bag" checked when you go through security.
6. Your date tells you that he saw Twilight six times in the movie theater.
7. Your date informs you that he has a concealed weapons permit and that he carries his gun everywhere, even on dates.
8. Your date tells you that his coworkers think he is suicidal.
9. Your date confesses that this is his first date in 4 years.
10. Your date asks, "So were you expecting me to pay for this?"

Bitter, party of one...

What is it about a dating horror story that brings people together? Oh sure, everyone wants the happily ever after love story of a lifetime.  But for most of us the road to happily ever after is paved with drama, lots and lots of drama.  My philosophy is that dating drama this good has to be shared.  Call this blog fiction, free therapy, or the rantings of one seriously bitter gal.  One way or another, this diva certainly has dating drama to share.