Monday, March 30, 2009

Pickup Line Pick-Me-Ups

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?

Hey, I lost my phone number...can I have yours?

If you were a burger at McDonald’s, I’d call you McBeautiful.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Do you have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I skinned my knee when I fell for you.

Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Are you tired? Because you have been running through my mind all day.

Where you arrested before? Because I believe it is a felony to look that good.

Do you know CPR? Because I can’t breath around you.

To bad you're not history, because I would study you all day long.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Online in 09

A few weeks ago I overheard two girls talking about online dating. One of the girls said that maybe this was her year to go “Online in 09”. Pause for the appropriate amount of shock, horror, outrage, pity, and/or fear. “Yeah right,” she continued “I don’t know how desperate I would have to be to date online.”

Call it desperation, call it curiosity, or call it expanding your finding pool. One way or another I confess that I have joined the underworld of online dating. I don’t take online dating very seriously but it is fun to have a little attention from the male species. With online dating you must take the good, the bad, and the ugly all in one package.

The Bad:
“My account ends Monday so I would like to go on a date with someone before I close my account I’m still debating on whether to keep trying this. Im being blunt but Im ready to have a good time and get to know you so if you would like to go on a date with me e mail at... Things don’t go well oh well, one night gone in your life but who knows we might just hit it off.”

Hmm, while this is one of the most persuasive sales pitches I have ever heard I think I will pass. As it turns out, one night of my life is a big deal.

The Ugly:
“hi im david and Im new at this i was going threw the search and seen you and wow you are prity send me a message if you want to.”

The profile picture that corresponds with this messages is exactly what you are imagining. Divorced 37 year old man with three kids looking for love. I'm not expecting a rocket scientist but a girl has got to have some standards. Don’t worry I only went out with him once and our make-out session was very g-rated.

The Very, Very, Ugly:
Before you read the next few lines I want you imagine this guy's profile picture. Picture a very good looking dark haired man staring into the camera longingly. He is wearing a red button up shirt which is conveniently unbuttoned showing a tan and rather hairy chest. You are swooning aren’t you?

First message:
"i am the man that you are waiting for :)"

No response from me.

Second Message:
“i like to get to know you...interested?"

No response from me.

Third message:
“i really have alot to share with you..could you give chance to get to know you?”

Finally I send the poor guy a thanks but no thanks message and he responds:

“ :( but , u didn't here me..u just decided without even talk to me? could u tell me why? why u always turn me down :( can we talk?”

No! No! No! NO!!! We can not talk, you are not the man I have been waiting for, and I don’t care if you have a lot to share with me you psycho online stalker. What can I say? Online dating is not for the faint of heart.

Friday, March 27, 2009

How to Determine If Your Date is an Axe Murderer


Everyone’s favorite time of the week has arrived: Friday Night Date Night! Before you head out on the town take a minute or two to read this lifesaving advice. Thank you Worst-Case Scenarios Online. www.worstcasescenarios.com

1. Watch for the following:
* A Caucasian male in his twenties or thirties
* Obsession with fire or matches
* Cruelty to animals
* History of bed-wetting
* Sexually abused as a child
* Middle-class background combined with loner behavior
* Difficulty maintaining relationships

An individual who exhibits more than three of these traits may be dangerous.

2. Trust your intuition. Your instinct is a powerful weapon. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

3. Check him out officially. Obtain his social security number and investigate him. Call the Federal Prison Locator Service (202-307-3126) to determine if he was ever incarcerated. Many online companies can aid in financial reports or tracking down previous addresses. You may also want to enlist the services of a private detective.

4. If you discover grounds for suspicion, break off the relationship immediately. Be clear and definitive about your decision. Return all of his belongings and gifts. Do not make promises to keep in touch. Be straightforward and kind, and talk only about yourself and why the relationship no longer works for you. Do not blame him. Try not to make him angry.

5. Take steps to maintain your safety.
* Carry a cell phone.
* Install a home security system.
* Change your phone numbers.
* Stay near populated, well-lit areas.
* Apprise a friend or relative of your concerns.
* Document any strange or unusual happenings.
* Take a personal safety/self-defense class.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous: Jen & John Split

Jennifer Aniston breaks up with John Mayer over his Twitter addiction. Talk about dating drama! America’s sweetheart has become the poster child for millions of women replaced by technology. If Jennifer Aniston can’t compete with Twitter, who can? Maybe we should start a new support group: “Twitter your way into his heart.” Oddly enough, I have a sudden desire to signup for Twitter and become John Mayer’s devotee.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Why are dating self-help books always hot pink?

Don’t give me that look! You know you read them too. I know that you secretly yearn to buy that hot pink bible of dating commandments! Alright, fine, I will help you avoid the humiliation of handing the cute guy at Barnes & Noble such a shameful book. I am willing to sacrifice myself... I will buy, read, and review these books. Society has branded dating bibles with a leprous stigma. I plan to breakdown that stigma one review at a time. If there is a book you have been dying to read let me know and I will check it out before you have to humiliate yourself in front of the Barnes & Noble hottie.

My first review will be Mars and Venus on a Date, by Dr. John Gray. Don't blow a gasket I will post the review very soon.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me No Match!

When you get past a certain age your family members begin to panic.  Now that I am the BIG 25 my sweet Grandmother has decided to take matters into her own hands and she has appointed herself as my over zealous matchmaker.  Who can blame her, she is just looking out for her own interests and her interests revolve completely and totally around great-grandchildren. 
 
Like any good business woman, my Grandmother looks for dating leads everywhere she goes.  The other day she over heard two strangers talking.  Stranger A told stranger B that she wished her son would get out and date more.  Hearing of another disabled dater my Grandmother approached the strangers.  “I have a single granddaughter.  We should get the two of them together!”  He’s single I’m single… naturally we are perfect for each other.
 
I have nothing against blind dates and I am usually willing to give a blind date a try, but come on!  The only thing my Grandmother knows about this guy is that he is breathing, male, single, and that his mother thinks he is great.  What kind of a grandmother is willing to sacrifice her oldest grandchild based on the recommendation of a complete stranger? 

Grandma, after a few emails with her new matchmaking cohort, is fully prepared to guilt trip me into this freak show of a blind date.  “What do you have to loose?” she asks.  What do I have to loose?  What do I have to loose!?!?! Right, maybe I’m being too dramatic... after all how many serial killers met their victims on a blind date?
 
Like the lemming that I am I send blind date boy an email.    Blind date boy is 29, he still lives at home and he admits that he is on the "12 years to an Associate Degree" program.  (His words, not mine.)  On our second round of emails blind date boy lets me know that I should follow my dreams and go back to graduate school.  After all, he wants a successful wife who has been educated to the best of her abilities.  Besides what if one day the wife has to support the family?  Okay, hot stuff, let’s backup to your 12 years to an Associate Degree program.  Maybe I’m confused and then again maybe I need to go back to school to understand the definition of a hypocrite.   

Thanks Grandma! You sure know how to pick’em.

P.s. If you would like to correspond with my blind date wonder boy I’ll be more than happy to shoot you his email. But I'm warning you now that you might want to shoot yourself after an email or two.

P.s.s. If you would like to hire my Grandmother as your own matchmaker, I am willing to lease her out for a month or two.

Monday, March 23, 2009

You might be on a bad date if...

  1. Your date walks around all night long with one of his shoelaces untied.
  2. Your date has to shovel armfuls of junk to make room for you in the car.
  3. Your date forces you to get a to-go box for your leftovers.
  4. Your date is so lost that you end up in another city before you realize and then have to break it to him that he is going in the wrong direction.
  5. Your date is wearing tighter jeans than you are and he has to have his "man bag" checked when you go through security.
  6. Your date tells you that he saw Twilight six times in the movie theater.
  7. Your date informs you that he has a concealed weapons permit and that he carries his gun everywhere, even on dates.
  8. Your date tells you that his coworkers think he is suicidal.
  9. Your date confesses that this is his first date in 4 years.
  10. Your date asks, "So were you expecting me to pay for this?"

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Bitter, party of one...

What is it about a dating horror story that brings people together? Oh sure, everyone wants the happily ever after love story of a lifetime.  But for most of us the road to happily ever after is paved with drama, lots and lots of drama.  My philosophy is that dating drama this good has to be shared.  Call this blog fiction, free therapy, or the rantings of one seriously bitter gal.  One way or another, this diva certainly has dating drama to share.